31 December 2017


What he hell is an uber-chick and why do they annoy me so? Mind you I said they annoy me. They do not threaten me and my male values, whatever those are. Well an uber-chick is a chick, er, female, who can best any man at any of the traditionally manly deeds he does and can also kick his ass and the asses of his six or seven buddies and not even break a sweat doing it. She can shoot two handguns at the same time and her facial expression is typically frozen into a fixed and serious gaze. In other words the uber-chick is something that does not now or ever will exist, outside the dream world of cinema. My most recent experience with the uber-chick phenomenon was the insipid film Atomic Blonde. I could not finish the film and stopped after about thirty minutes. In it Charlize Theron plays a spy in Berlin at the time of the fall of the Berlin Wall. But that story is all wasted. It is not really a spy thriller. It is an action film and the action mostly centers on her kicking every dude’s ass in the film. Sometimes three or four at a time. And not guys like me, 60 years old and all out of shape guys, but men trained in hand to hand combat that out weigh her and can bench press more than she can. And as least as far as I could wacth the guys can’t land a punch on her. And when the dust settles she, in true uber-fashion, isn’t even huffing and puffing and walks off with the by now classic uber-chick fixed gaze. Hair barely ruffled and the guys all lay unconscious or unable to move on the ground.

Now, I must distinguish between what is a goofy ass uber-chick and what or who is not.

1) Selena from the Underworld films is not an uber-chick although her mannerisms incorporate some the classic uber-chick clichés. The fixed stare. The emotionless face. The ability to crush dumb men into the dirt. But, she is a vampire. She has supernatural powers. She can fight werewolves so beating the shit of mortal men would be no problem for her.

2) Supergirl is not an uber-chick. Nor is any other superhero girl. Because they are, well, superheroes. Even the Black Widow, Natasha Romanov, is not an uber-chick because was injected with Russian super soldier serum.

3) Ripley from the Alien films is not an uber-chick. She is a badass female for sure but in fact she does not act like an uber-chick and has emotional and physical attributes that reflect a vulnerable, and therefore believable, nature at times. She shows fear and indecision. In the underrated Alien 3 there is a scene were several of the male prisoners are going to rape her. Even though Ripley is pretty tough there is nothing she can do and she tries to walk away but is overpowered and she basically has to give in. Until she is rescued by a male character. An uber-chick would have whooped all their asses and when the male character arrives and asks if she needed help she would have walked past him with a fixed gaze and maybe made some sort of anti-male condescending one liner.

So what are some attributes then an uber-chick possesses that makes her the badass bitch she is? (I think is it okay to use bitch in this context. Its meant in the flattering way bitch is sometimes used when women use it amongst each other.)

1) An uber-chick must not have super powers or supernatural powers. She is just a girl like any other girl. Someone any girl can be just by simply imaging that she that is an uber-chick never even having done a single pushup in her entire life.

2) She must be better at the sort of things guys do. Playing pool. Basketball. Chess. Driving a car fast and recklessly. Fighting and shooting guns. Using logic and reason. And not only be better but she must humiliate guys with her prowess’s all through the film. Shame them. This makes the wanna be uber-girls in the audience feel much better and the guys with them feel like losers. And after all, aren't all chicks in fact uber-chicks and all men losers?

3) When she fights four to six guys she must dispatch them quickly and never lose her poise. She must look cool and statuesque at all times. She should have a lot of leather or black clothing on and if she is hit she must show no pain or have her hair or lipstick mussed up.

4) If she gets horny at some point and needs some self-serving sex the man must be a man who can ALMOST best her at fighting or killing. She must make the first move and after she has selfishly screwed him and given him the time of his life it is almost certain that the guy's character is doomed to die off in the next couple scenes. This will lead to a scene where the uber-chick gets a little weepy and shows she is a girl down deep inside after all. She shared her sacred vagina with this lowly man thing and now he is dead. She will prompt to snap out of it, after a short music montage most likely,  and wipe away the tears and exact fearsome justifiable revenge on the bad dudes who killed off her selected sperm donor.

5) If there is another uber-chick in the film, the bad girl, she must be equally badass but only less ethical and nice. In fact, the bad uber-chick but be down right evil in order that there be some contrast between her and the “good” uber-chick, who is actually not really too good or likable herself.

6) And she must be super hot and she must display her hot body by wearing tight leather attire with the chesty area all unzipped. She must not weigh too or be too muscular and she cannot look like her name might be Olga. In other words, she cannot really look like the type of woman who might be able to at least kick a man's ass in hand to hand combat so long as she is extensively martial arts trained and he is an old Woody Allen in a wheelchair.

I just find the whole badass chick phase to be tiring and boring. Obviously women love to see men kicked in the balls and humiliated anymore (and some guys like to see big girls in leather doing this to guys, like Robert Crumb fantasy stuff I guess) so this is not going to die out anyway soon. By what I have seen on Youtube some girls take this stuff seriously and seem to image they can fist fight men and beat them up. I guess they could… if the guy never hit back. Usually once he does that is the end of it.

Movies now have become simply too unbelievable. Films about vampires and Hobbits are fantasies ands one does not really believe in such things, and they relax, or try to, and watch the movie to escape from the real world for a while. The whole uber-chick thing is not really to pass itself as sheer fantasy. It is as if somewhere a band of chicks image they can actually beat ALL guys at basketball or karate and these stupid flicks only reinforce what they already believe. Of course vampires cannot turn into bats, but hell yea a 100 pound girly girl can kick the shit out of six Navy Seals. I think it is really low brow and I do not care how good the stylized green screen effects were in Atomic Blonde, I will not finish a totally stupid movie. Okay, now I need to go rewatch something more believable, like Ted V. Mikels’ Astro-Zombies.



Bob Johns said...

So I should skip this movie? It did not look good in the first place but the hype is sure there.

Bill Dan Courtney said...

Well Bob, I would honestly say go ahead and check it out. You might like it, you might hate it. I guess I hated it. Does not mean every one else will. Like you I followed the hype and saw a couple reviews on Youtube really building it up. I expected something better myself after all of that. But many people dig it. I just have an issue with uber-chicks period. Best movie I have seen this week was a documentary called California Typewriter. I can recommend that. Maybe I should review that?

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