Finally I just "snapped" when I had posted a picture of a cat a friend here in China had rescued after it was hit by a car. The cat was left paralyzed and had to use a strange device to crawl around in. The picture was a rather tragic image and the look in the cats eyes so touching. I have 1400+ "friends and I only got, after a week, one little sad face from a lady I follow who I know likes cats. That was it. Bullshit. "Why am I here?" I know seeking approval or acceptance from a social media site is lame but in the end I guess that I what I was doing. I live in China. I seldom even get to speak English to anyone. My Chines is very low level and so I do not have conversations with Chines people. To me the act of sending a comment or attempting to start a chat or sharing a paralyzed cat picture is important to me, although I know it does not have to be to anybody else. I am isolated and in need of contact. Facebook will not fill that void. I have to deal with those issues on my own in some other way. The cost of using Facebook began, long ago, to outweigh the benefits for me. I could go on and on, but the time has come to let it go.
I have been struggling with this for a year or so. This is not my first post about Facebook here. I started the account in 2009 and it has had a long history with me. I imagined it to be something other than what it was and that deluded way of thinking helped me to hang on until to a dwindling hope until I just could not stand it any longer. There was not any one final straw. There were many final straws that drove this sad camel to the ground, but he managed to shamble back up and titter about, only to collapse once more, and to stand once more, and again only to be pushed back down into the slime. Well this is one camel that is sick and tired of slime. Unless it is The Green Slime, then that is okay.
In the end I would like to say I will miss it but I am not sure. I sort of do now in a way as it is till the early stages. I may miss it for a time the way a drinker does booze for a spell after he quits. But soon that feeling just vanishes. The withdrawal subsides. I used to be a drinker and I know how it goes. Hard to really feel like I should miss a place that will not even notice I am gone. There is a sadness in letting it go. But it is a sadness that it never was what I hoped it would be. I may explore it later, or I may not. But I officially deleted, not just deactivated, my account earlier and that is that.
It is not completely out of a sense of bitterness or suspicion about any club that would have me as a member type of thing. It is just that over time my preoccupation with being part of a group and wanting to fit in has actually led to me blogging/writing less. I am having similar issues with my music projects and I may explore that in another post or podcast. In the end I just want to churn out something half ass compelling or interesting. The preoccupation with fitting in and getting a pat on the back from the people who get more traffic or smiley faces on their Facebook posts has done more harm than good. I want to get back to the simple ideas I had when I started all of this, to make a type of blog or the type of music that I would want to read or listen to myself. Instead I lost my way trying to please people and get a pat on the back. Nothing wrong with that either, it is human and normal to seek approval. But it can become a problem if one has or develops Internet approval issues. And that is easy to do these days. Let's see if I can get over it all and pick myself up by my virtual bootstraps and trudge onward into the blogging sunset. Goodbye Facebook.