17 September 2016

BILL'S BULLPEN: SCREW IT, I’M BLOGGING


I have really been struggling with this for over a year or more. While I have actually done a lot of posting over the last year as well I have to admit my mind and heart were often elsewhere. And not to say that one’s blog is were one’s soul and ultimate passion should reside. But in the end I find myself not able to just give up the blog as many seem to have done, sometimes to point of even deleting their blogs entirely from the Internet. In the end the struggle revolves around a simple little factor: I enjoy writing. I am not a good writer. But I enjoy it nonetheless. I play guitar and compose my own music. I am not really good at it, but I do it. I draw and sketch. I am not good at it but I do it. I study the Chinese language on my own. I am not good at it and yet I still study a little each day. I am a creative person. A mediocre creative person but nonetheless if I am not doing something, even something no one else will see or hear or read, I feel anxious and empty. 

I have narrowed my blogging issues down to a few factors and wish to state them succinctly and then lay them to rest, the way one lays an impaled vampire to rest.

1) I live in China and the Internet here sucks. I have to use a VPN to connect to 90% or more of sites outside China and my VPN service sucks as well. It can simply wear you out. I get the occasional window of opportunity, like today, and need to take of advantage of it. Of course, it does not mean I will feel like writing but there are solutions to that problem as well, such as having articles stored in a draft folder and ready to upload when the gods show fleeting mercy upon me.

2) I began to feel awkward about the blog. I am 57 and I felt it was almost childish to do a blog like this. My wife has become less supportive of the blog than she once was and sees it as pretty weird. She is Chinese and Buddhist, so that is a large part of it. She actually does not like horror movies though she has sat through a few with me. She does not like b/w movies and I guess I felt odd. Well, so be it. I am odd.

3) Facebook. Yes, Facebook has had something to do with all of this. The site is blocked in China, as is this blog for that matter since Blogger is part of Google, and again it can be a challenge to just access it and make some sort of update. Seems many old time bloggers from the days I began (about 2005 or so) have stopped blogging and moved onto running pages on Facebook or just adding stuff to their wall. I sort of have been doing that too but I found some things out. Some people can wipe their asses and then post the soiled toilet paper on Facebook and get a hundred likes and smiley faces, while some one else can share their cover version of Mozart’s 40th Symphony and get one thumbs up from the same guy who gives a thumbs up to everyone on his wall. Including the shitty toilet paper guy. Or more likely gal.

Facebook is not blogging or writing. I do not know what it is but it can be a painful place for some people. I am fucking fed up with it and really want to drop it. I think I have my posts here linked by RSS feeds (is it still called that) and I will keep that up. I do get traffic to here from Facebook (mostly on MOBILE DEVICES!) and I will take visits from anywhere, even the Ukraine. (Spambot humor there.) When a person I cared for (loved actually) told me to “fuck off” and then unfriended me (oh the woe) because I felt that posts on 9-11 should be pro-American and not pro-Islam (radical or not) and I had no stomach for the anti-American tripe there on that day then I guess that is it. I have nothing left to offer. Pearls before swine I guess.

4) I am expecting less and less from the blog now in terms of how I feel. I used to seek some sort of approbation and approval from the blog and Internet. It is not healthy and may be fermenting s future generation (or current) of mass murderers and serial killers. I almost wanted to “make friends” here and that did not work out too well. People on the net are fickle fucks. Me too. One old blog “buddy” who I connected with on FB blocked me there because I made fun of an ugly transsexual - it is okay to laugh at the bad plastic surgery of straight celebrities of course - and announced how I hated Wes Craven films and he sent me a rude, condescending comment and then blocked me. He had a great blog but he is a pompous sack of shit with no sense of humor so why waste my time.

Comments are not a thing I seek anymore in the sense that I must have them in order to continue writing. People these days are on mobile devices and sampling tidbits of data. I promise to get back to comments when I can and appreciate anyone who takes the time to leave one. I love you. Not just platonically either. But if I get none that is okay too. I also do not publish weird comments okay? I mean rude or perverted shit. And I block the sender. Still happens. Go troll on Facebook.

5) I just want to write. Even if I do not have a movie to review I want to write. It is my blog. I can share my music here and I can write about the struggles with not writing. I can share my cartoons here. I can review old horror movies, new horror movies, mainstream movies or LGBT themed Broadway musicals if I wish. No one has to read it if they do not want to. There are a zillion things on the Internet I will never read. I can post gratuitous pictures of girls in bikinis or comic book covers or review all the Frank Zappa albums I think are musically brilliant. In fact, I already have. None. It is my blog and I’ll do want I guess, within the bounds of reason and ability. And I truly hope some people enjoy it. I am not really wanting to do this for only myself, but in the end I will if I have to. 

I may make some decisions on some of the blog design and features. I changed the background to something brighter and culty. I used to do all those dark backgrounds but decided, um, I would do a brighter one. Exciting, right? I may remove my long non-updated A to Z page. Shit. That is too much work but I like the little Jane Fonda graphic I made. I'll see. I may remove some stuff on my side bar (I have already removed my Facebook and Twitter widgets as well as all RSS feed thingys except for my Feedburner stuff. we can just wait for Google to drop that the why they did their awesome Google Reader. ).  I took off that Blogger follower widget and the Google+ follwer one as well. People do not do that anymore. In the past two years my followers went from 150 to 152. People do not follow blogs and add to RSS readers anymore really. So let that crap go. I did flip the sidebar from the right side to the left side. I am sill adjusting to that. But when it is all settled the fact is I just want to write things. And see, I just did. I feel less empty already. 

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