02 November 2015

SPIKER/2007

Once in a while when you do a site like this you run across (or step into) a mess of as film that is so rancid there is so need to do any research on the cast and crew really, no need to search for production trivia, no need to do original vidcaps or make an original clip and upload it to Youtube or Metacafe. There is a need however to warn your fellow man to stir clear of the waste matter lest they too spend a week watching the film in snippets just trying to end the torture. Is Spiker (aka Blood Rails) the worst horror film I have ever seen? Not by a long shot but it is one of the worst I actually finished for no other reason than to pan it here and give it my first ever 1/2 skull rating. Normally I eject a total stinker within the first 15 minutes and may give it one more shot later. American Zombie is an example of this. I tried twice and it was popped out. I maye try it again to review it here. Spiker was an exercise in endurance and I made it!

The story line is one we have seen before and will see again so long as there is a horror genre. High school kids. Old house in the woods. Serial killer or some malevolent entity. Drinking. Drugs. Sex. Death. Goofy ending. A lot of fairly entertaining films have been made using that tried and tested formula. And a lot of crap has been produced using that formula as well. The last film reviewed here, Dead Mary, is as good as any to make a general comparison with I guess. I gave Dead Mary an average score of 2 1/2 skulls, which is what most films will get here. That’s means it is not a great film, in my opinion anyway, but also I can marginally recommend it to genre fans for one reason or another. Mary “could have been” a good film with some adjustments to the story line. Less psychobabble between the spoiled twenty something brats and more spirit possessed zombies and gore and a better ending would have made it an above average film. But it missed the mark.

Spiker never even took aim. The film, directed by and starring as Spiker himself Frank Zagarino, is poorly written, poorly acted, horribly shot and is nothing but one genre cliché after another with no wit, parody or homage giving in any of them. I will just cite at least one scene to base the reason for my disdain on. The title character, Spiker is a local serial killer to some hick town I could care less about. He killed 27 or more people 20 years ago when his bride married another man. She is a ghost now in a totally unnecessaary supernatual sub-plot. Bodies are still popping up here and there. The instrument of killing he chose was railroad spikes. I forget why. Who cares.

In an unbelievable stretch of credulity a judge has decided he can be rehabilitated and he needs to be transported to a hospital to begin the process of becomng a member of society again. Of course this is nothing but a set up for his escape on the river ferry. He pulls this off with too much ease since the cops are all idiots. He jumps into the river with cops ready for him to bob up his head so they can blast him. He never surfaces. Well, of course he does later. He walks out of the water into a work area where some guy is banging railroad spikes into something. Yes, railroad spikes. Spiker grabs a spike, kills the guy then walks over and grabs a coat that just happens to be one of those long duster type coats you see in cowboy movies, and loads up the pockets with plenty of railroad spikes. Right here in this one scene the absurdity of the entire film can be witnessed. The guy must be able to breathe under water to make it from the ferry all the way to the shore without coming up once for air. When he does surface he is just walking out of the river to make the scene look freakier. He is not gasping or tired. And of all the spots on the river to reemerge from where does he come out at? A spot where some guy is repairing something with railroad spikes, lots of them. The very same instrument he prefers to murder people with. And the guy even has a big long duster jacket available so Spiker can look scarier. Don't movies like require suspension of disbelief to enjoy them? Absolutley. But I am not a friggin' mongoloid either.

I was going to rip apart some other scenes but that’s it. I am not going to waste anymore time on this one. Bad acting all the way through. Corny scenes and illogic abound. I replayed one scene where a girl finds her uncle all spikes over his carcass because I had seldom seen such lousy acting. Sometimes I can recommend a bad movie just for the cheesy fun of it. There is some of that here but it was more imbecilic than campy. You see this one at your own risk brethren. You have been warned.

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