15 November 2014


My Brother the Vampire (aka Mein Bruder der Vampir or Getting My Brother Laid) is actually a 2001 comedy/drama and not really a horror film. Certainly a black comedy and while not the type of film  nobody dies in or there is any sort of supernatural element or monster or psycho stalker, the film is still eerie and creepy. Because, well, it is German. You know that can be pretty scary stuff. Nietzsche and Wagner and Kraftwerk. Dark and brooding. Depression is scary. And this little film is full of all sorts of Teutonic angst in the form of sexual frustration and the desperation a soon to be thirty year old mentally retarded guy named Josh experiences in his search for a  “corkscrew” (a cute little German term for a loveless one night stand). Josh is not only a bit slow in the noggin but he also believes himself to be a vampire, the “Prince of Darkness” he calls himself. I thought when I got this that he was going to be killing off people in a deluded state -ala Martin- and sucking their blood through a straw or something. Ah, nothing of the sort happens.

What does happen is even more shocking! I defecate thee not. His 15 year old sister Nicole is “on the verge of womanhood” (according to one of the few reviews of this film I could find online in English). Now what this means is she wants to get laid herself. You can’t be on the verge or manhood or womanhood I guess without getting yourself sodomized or something anymore. Nicole has taken an interest in a local small time crook who, with the help of his little gang, likes to hang people upside in the local playground and rob them of spare change while pantomiming weird cabaret songs. Not having too much trouble in the sex department is big brother Mike who is not retarded and is long past the verge of manhood. He is boffing new girlfriend Nadine in the attic bedroom while Josh and Nadine peep in on them. Mike soon takes it on as his brotherly duty to get his mentally handicapped brother laid, even if it means sharing his girlfriend or finding him a kinky cosplaying prostitute. And if none of this works, he will show Josh how to yank his bratwurst to some high quality Euro porn, complimenting him on his technique as the two guys go at it.

The local small time punk finds Nicole too kinky for his taste and Josh is more interested in Nadine than porn or prostitutes. And by the end of the film both Nicole and Josh finally wind up having sex… with each other!!! Yes, we are talking about incest between a 15 year old girl and her mentally retarded brother. See, I told you these Germans were some scary ass people. You can’t be responsible for two world wars and not have some twisted ass views on sex and relationships and how to manage the handicapped. The film is full of odd little scenes that you typically see only in European films and which you either will find artsy and elevated or you will respond, like my wife did, by exclaiming, “…what the hell is this movie about!” I was actually leaning somewhere towards the artsy, elevated side myself but I did not tell her that. I don’t know any of the actors or the director and doubt I will ever see them in anything again so I did not mention their names, and also because I have to keep looking back and forth between here and IMDB to spell those complicated German names. The film is well shot and edited. The acting is not too bad in a European type of way. Check it out but don’t expect to see anybody getting their jugular veins punctured. This one is a bit weird enough and obscure enough to wind up here. Oh and by the way, I actually love the Germans and all that Schopenhauer and Kafka stuff. Just kidding earlier. 


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